The New Normal

I know it’s been a couple weeks since I’ve updated my blog. I apologize to any and all faithful readers. Let’s just say that it’s been a rough year and I’ve lost any and all motivation to keep up with this site.  I’ve been adjusting to life without my mom, adjusting to a new job, preparing for a baby, and adjusting to my ever expanding waistline…leaves little for the extracurricular. 

I hope that when life settles in to a “new normal” that I will have more time for creative updates, new recipes, and nutrition advice/information.  In the meantime, I hope that whoever is reading this will bare with me. I WILL find motivation for The Healthy Apron again, just not any time soon. However, easy things to write about include my life and pregnancy, so if you don’t mind those updates, I’ll try to keep filling you in on how I’m doing.

Today I just wanted to share thoughts on life without my mom: 

One of my favorite pictures/memories. Finishing the "Out Run Ovarian Cancer" Race together; August 2011.

 

I know I haven’t really been too detailed about my mom’s passing on the blog. Obviously, it’s an emotional topic and hard to write about. I will say that for anyone who says it gets easier, I disagree. I do not think, at 28 and pregnant, with a family full of males, that it’s getting easier. If anything, it’s getting more difficult.

Today, June 2nd, it’s been exactly 2 months since my mom has been “gone.” I cry every day and think about her every minute. I’ve picked up the phone countless times, only to remember she is not there to call. That is she is not on this earth. That I will never again be able to hear her voice or see her face. I check her Facebook and read back all of the corny status updates I used to laugh at. I wish I could read just one more…

It’s lonely. I miss having a mom, especially since I don’t have a sister. Don’t get me wrong, my husband is amazing…but sometimes you just need your mom. Since she’s been gone I’ve had 2 baby showers, my birthday, and her birthday to muster through (nobody cares about your birthday as much as your mom).

The closer I get to having a baby, the more sad I become. I’m sad that my mom never got to be a Grandma. I know she would have been great at it and I know it was something she was looking forward to. I’m sad I won’t be able to call her for advice or ask her to babysit. I’m sad we won’t get to sit on the back porch with the baby, feel the cool breeze, and chat for hours (like we had planned). I’m just sad.

It’s hard adjusting to this “new normal.” I don’t like it. I want things to go back to the way they used to be. I want to wake up from this horrible dream. I want and wish that my mom never got cancer and that she could be around and healthy for years to come. I wish…she was still here.

In light of all these depressing things, I’m trying my best to look forward. I’m trying my best to be strong. I DO feel her all around me and it’s funny because when I’m feeling my saddest (like right now), I always get a visit from one particular Blue-Jay. I’d like to think that’s a sign from my mom telling me it’s all going to be okay. She always loved Blue-Jays.

As hard as it is to believe it’s been two whole months without her, I’m thankful that she has had two whole months, free from pain, free from worry, and free from suffering. For that, I will be forever grateful. To know that she is in Heaven, smiling down, is truly a blessing from God.

 

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19 comments to The “New Normal.”

  • Tami

    I have sisters, and although I love them dearly, nothing and no one is able to replace my mom — she left this world on March 30th and my life isn’t the same :( I feel your pain, and pray for you to be comforted, as I pray for my own comfort and strength. Thank God we have HOPE IN HEAVEN!!!!

  • Hi Erin. Wow…this is beautiful, brought tears to my eyes. I imagine your Mom is smiling down on you and your gorgeous soon to be born baby!!! She is rightly proud of raising such a wonderful woman. Wish I could send a big hug your way, so will “electronically” ( ) – ehug.

  • Erin- you are so incredible and brave and I can only wish and hope that things do get easier over time. I’m so sorry for your loss and admire your honesty and openness. You are in my thoughts often.

  • Erin, I cannot even begin to imagine how you must feel. Your post has me in tears and I feel so terrible that you’re having to go through this while pregnant. There really are no words that can make anything better – so just know that we are all here. We’ve been here through your happy times and we’ll be here through the sad times as well. Sending love your way. <3

    Please feel free to email me (thenewhealthy at gmail dot com) if you ever need someone to chat with. :)

  • This post nearly brought me to tears :( I am so sorry for your loss. It sucks for those of us who have to stay here, but know that she is in a much better place, wherever that may be

  • So sorry for your loss. Death just sucks, and there really isn’t anything that makes it better or easier, except maybe time, and even then it still sucks.

  • Wish I had something helpful and profound to say, but I don’t. My heart is aching for you after reading this post. Sending you my best wishes…

  • cassie

    Sending love your way. So sorry for your loss. Hopefully sharing your story will lead you to connect with others who are going through or have made it through the loss of a loved one. My mother is not a part of my life and I get choked up just hearing about the wonderful relationship you had with your mom. You are lucky to have had such a beautiful friendship with her. Cherish it!

  • Erin, I read this post a few times and still have no words. My heart aches for you. I think you are such a strong, amazing woman. I can not imagine how difficult it has been for you during this time. I just wish I could be there and give you a big hug. Sending them anyway….xoxo

  • Ashley

    I

    I had a loved pass 2 years ago. I cried daily and thought about him constantly. Two years later is hasn’t gotten any easier, it just became different. Now when I look at photos and watch videos, I laugh instead of cry. I still him miss every single day…. but I think about him with joy instead of sorrow. So, it may never get any easier, but it will become different. Continue to talk to your mom… share your thoughts, ask her questions, and LISTEN. She is will always be right next to you!

  • Oh friend, I am so sorry. I wish I could send you a giant hug right now. A virtual one will have to do. (((HUG HUG HUG HUG)))

  • Jennifer

    Hi Erin, I know some of what you are feeling, I lost my sister to breast cancer at the age of 38, and she was my best friend. She was the first one I called when our first child was born, even before my parents, and was present for the birth of our second. It is going to be a long time before it gets easier. There is nothing wrong with that. A book I found helpful was “I wasn’t ready to say goodbye” It helped me to focus and understand my grief, and be able to handle it better. Part of the frustration is not feeling that your in control of your grief, as you said, every day you are crying and can’t figure out how to feel better and this book has different suggestions to try. It doesn’t make the grief go away, but may help you manage it with all your upcoming joys.

  • I can’t even come close to understanding what you’re going through, so all I can say is that you’re in my thoughts and prayers. While I can see how blogging is probably so far from your mind right now, I’m glad you have it to write your thoughts and you feel comfortable sharing them with us, your readers (many of whom you don’t know). I hope it’s good therapy for you. Your mom is still watching you and must be very proud of you, I’m sure.

  • Shanna like Banana

    Oh Erin I cannot begin to fathom your loss. My heart aches for you. I wish there was something I could say to make it easier bit words would seem hollow. I hope when your beautiful girl is born you find love filling your void. Hugs.

  • I am so sorry for your mom and I am so happy you are wiling to share all this. i can’t even begin to imagine what you go through but all I know is I see a strong woman on the other side, one who has learned lots from a wonderful lady and is growing from that.

  • I am very sorry that you have to go through this at such a young age and pregnant with your first baby. I feel a small fraction of your pain just reading what you wrote and it makes me so sad. I do know that God and your mom are watching over you and your family and will comfort you, just like in the presence of the bluejay.

  • Erin, I can’t imagine what you’re going through but I know God will help get you through it. He’ll give you strength during the hardest times… he only puts us through what he knows we can handle. Your mama will always be there comforting you too.

  • Hello lovely,
    I was wondering how you were doing in regards to your mom’s passing.

    Similar to your mom, my aunt recently passed from cancer and she left behind a daughter about the same age as you. She was a grandmother for exactly 62 days before she left us and now she is smiling down from heaven.

    I can’t imagine or even begin to comprehend what you are feeling, but I’m sending you lots of e-hugs and well wishes. Don’t worry about the blog as your readers will understand, just take care of you. xoxo

  • Meg

    Thank you for sharing this. I can relate since I don’t have sisters either and I can’t even imagine what it would be like to be without my own. I know that there’s really nothing I can say that will make things alright or back the way they were. I saw this quote the other day that said “If someone you love is in heaven, then that must mean you have a little piece of heaven in your home”

    Erin, I know that your mother loves you watches over you every day from heaven and that you will be able to see her again someday. *Hugs my dear* Let me know if you need anything!

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