I know it’s been a couple weeks since I’ve updated my blog. I apologize to any and all faithful readers. Let’s just say that it’s been a rough year and I’ve lost any and all motivation to keep up with this site. I’ve been adjusting to life without my mom, adjusting to a new job, preparing for a baby, and adjusting to my ever expanding waistline…leaves little for the extracurricular.
I hope that when life settles in to a “new normal” that I will have more time for creative updates, new recipes, and nutrition advice/information. In the meantime, I hope that whoever is reading this will bare with me. I WILL find motivation for The Healthy Apron again, just not any time soon. However, easy things to write about include my life and pregnancy, so if you don’t mind those updates, I’ll try to keep filling you in on how I’m doing.
Today I just wanted to share thoughts on life without my mom:
I know I haven’t really been too detailed about my mom’s passing on the blog. Obviously, it’s an emotional topic and hard to write about. I will say that for anyone who says it gets easier, I disagree. I do not think, at 28 and pregnant, with a family full of males, that it’s getting easier. If anything, it’s getting more difficult.
Today, June 2nd, it’s been exactly 2 months since my mom has been “gone.” I cry every day and think about her every minute. I’ve picked up the phone countless times, only to remember she is not there to call. That is she is not on this earth. That I will never again be able to hear her voice or see her face. I check her Facebook and read back all of the corny status updates I used to laugh at. I wish I could read just one more…
It’s lonely. I miss having a mom, especially since I don’t have a sister. Don’t get me wrong, my husband is amazing…but sometimes you just need your mom. Since she’s been gone I’ve had 2 baby showers, my birthday, and her birthday to muster through (nobody cares about your birthday as much as your mom).
The closer I get to having a baby, the more sad I become. I’m sad that my mom never got to be a Grandma. I know she would have been great at it and I know it was something she was looking forward to. I’m sad I won’t be able to call her for advice or ask her to babysit. I’m sad we won’t get to sit on the back porch with the baby, feel the cool breeze, and chat for hours (like we had planned). I’m just sad.
It’s hard adjusting to this “new normal.” I don’t like it. I want things to go back to the way they used to be. I want to wake up from this horrible dream. I want and wish that my mom never got cancer and that she could be around and healthy for years to come. I wish…she was still here.
In light of all these depressing things, I’m trying my best to look forward. I’m trying my best to be strong. I DO feel her all around me and it’s funny because when I’m feeling my saddest (like right now), I always get a visit from one particular Blue-Jay. I’d like to think that’s a sign from my mom telling me it’s all going to be okay. She always loved Blue-Jays.
As hard as it is to believe it’s been two whole months without her, I’m thankful that she has had two whole months, free from pain, free from worry, and free from suffering. For that, I will be forever grateful. To know that she is in Heaven, smiling down, is truly a blessing from God.